Who Are You Wearing…

Oscars-2015-1280X640

Oscar Sunday.

I rolled out the red carpet in our new home and made my family walk it with ‘tude into the kitchen for breakfast…it’s LA so we got with the program. Afterwards, they each had to deliver an acceptance speech, acknowledging my fine frittata.

Unfortunately, my doggie Madison displayed her contempt for awards season and puked on the red carpet.

So off Courtny and I went to Club K to torture our bodies to assure that when we watched the Oscars and are noshing from boredom, we felt toned and guilt-free.

Ikea Blue photo:craftjuice.com
Ikea Blue photo:craftjuice.com

It was raining so we hauled ass to Ikea to make some returns and to buy a few needed items. When the weather is inclement in LA, one must get the To Do list out. It is indeed challenging to run mundane errands in perfect weather.

I sat out front and watch patrons walk the Ikea blue carpet and I must admit to seeing middle America at its’ worse…not a compelling look in sight. The patterns on the Ikea pillows and towels were much more stylish then the fashion that past through the Swedish landmark.

Red Carpet  photo:imgkid.com
Red Carpet photo:imgkid.com

Back home and the Red Carpet broadcasts started early afternoon on the west coast. Allow me to commence my Cumberbashin’…

Patricia Arquette  photo:abcnews.go.com
Patricia Arquette photo:abcnews.go.com

Patricia Arquette you are my Oscar hero…you go girl for owning the spotlight and making it about women’s wage equality. You are a winner beyond your Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

Reese Witherspoon  photo: Jason Merritt/Getty
Reese Witherspoon photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

Reese Witherspoon knocked it out of the park in her Tom Ford. She deserves an Oscar nod for her #AskHerMore campaign…she is demanding substantive Q&A on the red carpet, not just “Who Are You Wearing?!”

Bruce Dern, Laura Dern
Bruce Dern, Laura Dern photo: Steve Granite WireImage

Who knew Laura Dern could be a fashion do, but lose the necklace, it’s overkill.

Adam Levine, Behati Prinsloo
Adam Levine, Behati Prinsloo photo:Matt Styles Invision/AP

Behati Prinsloo what’s with the spinster ‘do and that necklace? Your statement piece is Adam Levine…you don’t need unnecessary accessories  with him on your arm.

Felicity Jones  justjared.com
Felicity Jones justjared.com

Felicity Jones assumed the role of a modern day Cinderella…where’s the ball? I love Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen, but come on.

Scarlett Johansson  photo:redcarpetfashionawards.com
Scarlett Johansson photo:redcarpetfashionawards.com

Additional fashion disasters included Scarlett Johansson as the Green Goblin, Lupita N’Yong’O in a remake of Daryl Hannah’s mermaid costume in Splash  and Jessica Chastain just looking frumpy.

Marion Cotillard
Marion Cotillard photo: Steve Granite WireImage

Marion Cotillard does french couture as a fresh woman should…amazing Dior. Meryl Streep looked classic in Lanvin.

Dakota Johnson  photo: Jason Vespa
Dakota Johnson photo: Jason Vespa

Dakota Johnson, don’t borrow your mother’s clothes. You are young and purportedly sexy, dress your age.

Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez

JLo your skin, hair, pert breasts and dress all match…only your teeth and ridiculous pink frosted lips pop.

Giuliana Rancic  photo:
Giuliana Rancic photo:

I always look forward to seeing which ridiculous dress E host, Giuliana Rancic is wearing. I cannot understand how she and Kelly Osbourne judge others on Fashion Police. Giuliana always looks like she is skating for the gold in the Olympics…stop with the costumes.

Chrissy Teigen, John Legend  photo: Jordan Strauss Invisionn/AP
Chrissy Teigen, John Legend photo: Jordan Strauss Invisionn/AP

Very disappointed in Chrissy Teigen, my Best Dressed 2014. It was all wrong, but as hubby, John Legend says, “Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections.”

Talking Legend, he and Common performed brilliantly and accepted their Oscars with class and dignity, creating a very poignant moment.

Rosamund Pike  photo:Jeff Vespa WireImage
Rosamund Pike photo:Jeff Vespa WireImage

One of the best dressed women was Rosamund Pike… don’t mess with Gone Girl.

The winner of Best Costume Design, Milena Canonero took her sweet ass time getting to the stage. You could have designed and sewn another dress before finally accepting her Oscar.

Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow looked like an English tea rose and what was the story with those earrings and blue eye make up? She was blinking so much during her Academy Award presentation I thought maybe she was telegraphing a message to Chris Martin saying, “Screw conscious uncoupling. Come on over and deflower me.”

Miles Teller  photo:collider.com
Miles Teller photo:collider.com

I loved J.K. Simmons acceptance speech and was thrilled that he won. I called my mother straight away. I think Whiplash was the best film of the year and deserved the Oscar. Drum roll, please…I want a Miles Teller for my daughter.

I am a Neil Patrick Harris fan and although I enjoyed the opening number, I thought he fell flat.

g-moore

Screenwriter Graham Moore who won the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay for The Imitation Game, brought the house down with his speech.

Moore shared that he tried to commit suicide when he was 16 because he felt weird and different. He sent a great message to all who feel ostracized…he definitely deserves an Oscar for that captivating acceptance speech.

I was delighted that Eddie Redmayne won. I somewhat enjoyed the film, The Theory of Everything, but his performance made the movie. The first time I saw Redmayne act, he blew me away. He was on Broadway in the play, Red with Alfred Molina. Kudos, you adorable, talented Brit.

3 1/2 hours later my life is not more enriched perhaps a drop more entertained. At 87, Oscar was showing his age…tired and ready for bed.

Parting thoughts…I am having difficulty recovering from Lady Gaga assuming the role of Julie Andrews.

Idina Menzel getting even with John Travolta was stellar.

Nicole Kidman  photo: hollywoodreporter.com
Nicole Kidman photo: hollywoodreporter.com

Nicole Kidman’s face does not move or emote, she looked like Christmas wrapping, but she does have great extensions even if they are a weird color. I used to see her at the US Open every year and she barely had enough hair for a limp ponytail.

Kevin Hart  photo:justjared.com
Kevin Hart photo:justjared.com

Men need to tailor their tuxs and give good shoe. Kevin Hart you are a funny man and your tuxedo was laughable.

Oprah Winfrey has the best undergarments known to any human. Are her Spanx custom made? Note to everyone. Do not leave home without Spanx.

I was sorry to see Joan Rivers left off the ‘In Memoriam’ section.

In conclusion, I applaud all the heartfelt, sincere political statements…Hooray for Hollywood and it’s a wrap.

2 Comments

  1. loved this post. the funniest is the part about the costume designer – she was sooooo slow
    I thought Jennifer Aniston looked beautiful even though she varies so slightly in what she likes to wear. I agree about Giulianna Rancic, yuck to her dress and Scarlett’s hair was very much like Portia de Rossi on Scandal…
    Show was flat.. agree.

    • Soo glad you enjoyed the post. I thought about including Jennifer Aniston. She always looks good…rarely is it a wow. She usually plays it safe which is fine because she knows what looks good on her, but this was the Oscars. I liked her recent shirtless tuxedo look although I felt she should have given a boost to her boobies.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*