Times They Are A Changin’, My Mom Isn’t…


Central air conditioning is a marvel.

Unfortunately, I cannot convince my mother of its’ benefits.

I have been fighting a constantly recurring battle.

My mom envisions living in Florida before the advent of AC where the humidity seeped into open boxes and packages of food.

Many decades ago, I assume she thought the oven was a safe haven against dampness.

It’s 2017 and all her homes have central AC yet she still sequesters the bread, chips, crackers and various and sundry bakery items in the oven.

Yesterday, I was preparing breakfast for her and I smelled burning plastic.

Holy shit, I knew immediately what was happening.

My mom had all the above mentioned items in the oven and I had preheated the oven.

I quickly grabbed the goods and adverted a disaster.

Next, I opened the cheese drawer in the refrigerator and didn’t see any cheese rather a drawer loaded with nail polish and batteries.

“Hey mom, do you have a new recipe for a battery/nail polish quiche?!”

Then I remembered.

Ever since I could reach the handle and open the refrigerator door, batteries and nail polish have been staples along with milk and butter in our home.

I assume, in 1947, a mailing was sent by Volta Battery Company (inventor of the battery) to all suburban housewives when the transistor radio was invented, telling them to refrigerate their  batteries to maintain freshness so that their transistor radios always worked.

While we were discussing this matter for probably the 1000th time, my mom’s aide, Yvanna, mentioned that she had noticed the same phenomenon in the homes of past employers.

This leads me to believe that the surreptitious mailing that was circulated in the 40’s amongst the Depression Age generation, left a lasting impression.

Another issue is the expiration date on soda, salad dressing and other condiments.

When confronted, my mother always insists that she JUST purchased the items.

I told her we should hire an attorney and sue Publix grocery store chain for always selling expired goods.

In the interim, I need to head to Kinko’s and have signs printed:

Warning: Oven used to store flammable packaged goods. Proceed with extreme caution.


  1. LOL. Your Mom looks fantastic! And the hair color is terrific. By the way I have always stored batteries in the fridge!!! What does that say about me? Can anyone remember when or where this idea was put out into the universe????

  2. Way too funny!

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