Can I Be Frank…

I flew to Los Angeles on Saturday.

The good news was that there was very little turbulence and an empty middle seat between me and a young, rail thin model so I had plenty of room.

The bad news is that the man in front of me passed gas non-stop just like the scheduled flight from JFK to LAX.

Has anyone else ever experienced this noxious behavior?

It seems that I am always inundated by passengers breaking wind.

I usually pay to upgrade my seat.

I shouldn’t have to pay extra for a symphony of farts.

This is such a frequent occurrence that next time I may venture to the back of the plane where people may be less pretentious and, thus, minus the hot air.

Juan Valdez
Juan Valdez

Talk about repeat behavior. Yet again, I had to buzz the flight attendant so that I could tape a coffee bag under my nose and breath in Juan Valdez’s body odor instead.

We landed and while awaiting pick up at the airport I checked my email.


I received a missive from a Senior Dating organization.

Great news. I can find a senior companion within minutes who is just like me.

Was I hacked? How would they know what I would like?

Senior profiling?

Next email to pop up was an offer for Burial insurance. I was informed that it should be a part of my financial planning.

Impending doom…yet again, do they know something I don’t?

And let’s not forget the Diabetes Destroyer Program notice with information about controlling blood sugar and fat.

Shoot me now.

Honestly, both the flatulence and the emails stink.

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