Dancing In The Dark…

Sleep is not in my wheelhouse, leading me to many middle of the night, thought provoking inner dialogues.

Death has frequently been on my mind.

I remember being 8 or 9 years old and thinking about death joyfully  and innocently able to push the concept away since I thought I had years  and years and years before I sleep.

Thoughts enter my consciousness when I fly and was a constant during Queen E’s later years.

I was always a bit breathless with anticipation prior to our daily early morning call.

I have found of late that I have unwittingly transferred that anxiety onto my husband.

The other day he fell asleep after lunch and before his next work call…that struck me as strange.

There was no sound emanating from him.

I boisterously called out even though I was looking right at him. He stirred and I disappeared, reassured!

I think the pandemic has made me panic a bit as my spouse and I are joined at the hip.

I cannot imagine life without him (most of the time😏).

Great…another thing to worry about.

I am in need of a Scarlett O’Hara moment…”I’ll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.”

Note to self…get some sleep and give yourself a break…damn it!


  1. Roberta Ballard says:

    Hi Toby!
    Enjoying your blogs and wonderful info, life stories and insights and to thoughts I have too. By the way David looks great, so handsome, please send my hello to him and also beautiful Courtny. xoxo

  2. Ellie lupo says:

    Can understand your feelings. The future hits me too not always in a pleasant way. Life is very different alone after having a husband you loved. I remember Charlie saying not what he wanted,but just remember all the good memories and “rest” on them. Life is what it is…a gift..live everyday and try not to dwell on the what ifs. Not easy for some. My husband got up every morning….went to the front door..opened it and “said good morning world” ready for another day and concentrated on that. Love you….💜

    • What a beautiful homage to Charlie. Wish I could have spent more time with him. I just opened my front door. Thank you💜

  3. A very normal occurrence in many homes!!!
    You are not unique.. I poke during the night quite often

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