T
The devil has risen, once again.
Happy New Year! I have missed my devilish fun and loyal followers and hope you all had a fabulous holiday.
Let’s kick this up a notch and start spewing.
Breaking news… I reached my goal of reading 10 books over the holidays. One of the standouts hit home. Where’d You Go, Bernadette, by Maria Semple is at the top of my must read list. I really identified with the main character’s strength, honesty and quirky ways which seemed to make the “adult gnats” (think Marin County) around her crazy, but appeared perfectly righteous to me.
Honesty is my badge of courage and go OD on Cronuts if you can’t handle it.
Seriously, there are ways to be honest without being hurtful and cruel. I am the nicest person in the world, but don’t screw with me.
In the New Year, I have to remember to take a deep breath and not let assholes rob me of my peace. Just days ago I had rejected the thought of New Year’s resolutions, yet I appear to have just committed to a more zen like demeanor.
All right, that felt strangely liberating, so I am going to go all in.
Dieting and Food…
I will not wake up every single morning and say to self, “Today I am really going to start my diet.”
The truth is I love food…good food. It doesn’t have to be gourmet.
Restaurants are my crack. I will never be skinny or look like my mother’s favorite visual (pointer finger, straight up, impersonating a tall, svelte, cellulite free body).
Seriously, does my mother really think that anyone with a full on Jewish gene pool will ever look like that?!
I will re-dedicate myself to being healthy, continue exercising until it is impossible to jump out of bed to go to the bathroom and never again throw up a little bit in my mouth when I catch a side view of myself reflected in a store window or scream when I dare to glance up when tortuously exposed to a 3-way mirror.
I feel better and thinner already.
Repetition…
I am on a roll. I pledge to stop telling David I am bored to death in Los Angeles and I miss New York City with every fiber of my being.
Driving…
I will try to stop wanting to exterminate all the idiots who drive the wrong way down our alley in Santa Monica and never again fantasize about them simply mouthing, “Sorry” or waving sheepishly when it is impossible to exit because they are driving the wrong way down a one way street. I will brake and stop trying to have head on collisions with them and will keep my middle finger down and in a relax position.
Equinox Entitlement…
I will try to contain my emotions when at Equinox. Yesterday was my first day back there since August. I arrived in the spin room and was thrilled to see my bike seat drenched with sweat and dirty towels rakishly dangling from the handlebars. I guess all those entitled bitches had not committed to passing it forward and taking their DNA drenched remnants with them…but why be gracious in the New Year?!
I can only genuinely pray for their extreme weight gain, acne and a sexless 2014. Kumbaya…
I feel so much better having had an honest and enlightening discussion with all of you who understand and relate to me.
In all sincerity, I wish everyone a happy, healthy, productive, delicious, sensual, savory, rich and fulfilling 2014. May we all laugh and grow together and may the Devil Be With You.
Discover more from If The Devil Had Menopause
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
T
Happy New Year! I have missed my devilish fun and loyal followers and hope you all had a fabulous holiday.
Let’s kick this up a notch and start spewing.
Breaking news… I reached my goal of reading 10 books over the holidays. One of the standouts hit home. Where’d You Go, Bernadette, by Maria Semple is at the top of my must read list. I really identified with the main character’s strength, honesty and quirky ways which seemed to make the “adult gnats” (think Marin County) around her crazy, but appeared perfectly righteous to me.
Honesty is my badge of courage and go OD on Cronuts if you can’t handle it.
Seriously, there are ways to be honest without being hurtful and cruel. I am the nicest person in the world, but don’t screw with me.
In the New Year, I have to remember to take a deep breath and not let assholes rob me of my peace. Just days ago I had rejected the thought of New Year’s resolutions, yet I appear to have just committed to a more zen like demeanor.
All right, that felt strangely liberating, so I am going to go all in.
I will not wake up every single morning and say to self, “Today I am really going to start my diet.”
The truth is I love food…good food. It doesn’t have to be gourmet.
Restaurants are my crack. I will never be skinny or look like my mother’s favorite visual (pointer finger, straight up, impersonating a tall, svelte, cellulite free body).
Seriously, does my mother really think that anyone with a full on Jewish gene pool will ever look like that?!
I will re-dedicate myself to being healthy, continue exercising until it is impossible to jump out of bed to go to the bathroom and never again throw up a little bit in my mouth when I catch a side view of myself reflected in a store window or scream when I dare to glance up when tortuously exposed to a 3-way mirror.
I feel better and thinner already.
Repetition…
I am on a roll. I pledge to stop telling David I am bored to death in Los Angeles and I miss New York City with every fiber of my being.
Driving…
I will try to stop wanting to exterminate all the idiots who drive the wrong way down our alley in Santa Monica and never again fantasize about them simply mouthing, “Sorry” or waving sheepishly when it is impossible to exit because they are driving the wrong way down a one way street. I will brake and stop trying to have head on collisions with them and will keep my middle finger down and in a relax position.
Equinox Entitlement…
I will try to contain my emotions when at Equinox. Yesterday was my first day back there since August. I arrived in the spin room and was thrilled to see my bike seat drenched with sweat and dirty towels rakishly dangling from the handlebars. I guess all those entitled bitches had not committed to passing it forward and taking their DNA drenched remnants with them…but why be gracious in the New Year?!
I can only genuinely pray for their extreme weight gain, acne and a sexless 2014. Kumbaya…
I feel so much better having had an honest and enlightening discussion with all of you who understand and relate to me.
In all sincerity, I wish everyone a happy, healthy, productive, delicious, sensual, savory, rich and fulfilling 2014. May we all laugh and grow together and may the Devil Be With You.
Discover more from If The Devil Had Menopause
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.