Things I can’t understand and apparently never will.

I’m starting to wonder if the current government is genuinely incompetent, quietly evil or just playing an elaborate game of Risk with the globe. Is there some secret economic benefit to World War III that the rest of us missed in Econ 101? Or maybe the plan is to confuse us so thoroughly that we just stop asking questions and focus on surviving the rising cost of eggs.

You know what is equally confusing and infuriating?

Beach people.

You pick the perfect spot after consulting the board which informs you of the times for high and low tide.
You stake your territory with a beach chair and umbrella and then bam! An oblivious couple with a Boom Box or perhaps three loud children and a wagon filled with sand toys decide to plop down six inches from your established beach head.

You could be in a desolate coastal desert and they would still set up camp right by your beach chair.

Why? Is it a gravitational pull? Are we emitting some kind of sit here frequency?

Speaking of Boom Box speakers. Who actually enjoys techno rock with window-rattling bass in nature? Birds are chirping, waves are crashing and suddenly White Snake drops a beat that shakes the sand out of your pores. You politely ask them to turn it down and the reaction is the same as a dog owner who forgot poop bags: wide-eyed guilt followed by fake surprise and then the inevitable F you.

Then there’s parking.

Why—why—do people park over the line, right next to you when the universal parking lot is practically empty? Are they protecting their precious 2008 Honda Civic like it’s a Ferrari? It’s a parking space, not a Picasso.

The checkout line.

Why are people always unprepared to pay? The items are scanned, the total is displayed and then it’s as if we have just asked them to solve a quadratic equation in Sanskrit. They dig. They fumble. They say things like, “Oh! Let me find my card,” as if they did not know the whole transaction would eventually require money. Is there a secret hope that one day the cashier will say, “You know what? You’re our millionth customer. This one’s on us!”

Public restrooms.

I’m convinced some women aren’t just using the stall they are holding a full TED Talk in there. I know emergencies happen, but if the line is stretching to the street we have a problem.

Waiters and menus.

When you ask a server, “What’s really good here?” and they reply with “Oh, everything!” it’s not helpful. That’s a diplomatic non-answer. If everything is good, then nothing is. Be honest. Tell me what’s fresh, what the chef actually likes and what has been sitting under a heat lamp since brunch.

Salespeople and flattery.

If I emerge from the fitting room looking like a distressed couch cushion wrapped in sequins, please don’t say, “You look amazing!” I don’t. I look like I lost a bet. Your fake compliment just makes me distrust you and buy nothing, which is probably worse for your commission.

And finally, doctors.

If I’m the first appointment of the day, how are you already running late? Did the medical equipment unionize and go on strike? Were you abducted by aliens on the way in? Help me understand how the schedule is already in shambles at 8:15 a.m.

Anyway, discuss.

Or better yet, vent.