Sittin’ on the dock of the bay wasting time…

Waiting for my furniture delivery.

Another blip on the radar screen…no Saul, no furniture.

Did I get hit in the head by a flying sofa or am I that stupid?!

This man has been stalling me for five months with excuses like my dog ate your chair, my grandmother died, I am on vacation, my car wouldn’t start…sounds like the notes my mother wrote for me during my internment at Turn Of River middle school which I pinky swear were all true.

What to do…litigate, call the Better Business Bureau and have a cocktail party at Small Claims and Large Aggravation Court.

Attendees include THE giant douche contractor, the inconsistent dining room table maker, evasive furniture reupholsterer, the hairy, angry Armenian flooring rip off guy, morbidly obese worker who sat on a toilet, broke it and attempted to charge $500 for a $200 toilet (we checked the Home Depot box), fireplace amateurs, HD Buttercup jerk off delivery guys who scratched 3 tables because they did not cover them in transport, Home Depot refrigerator delivery men who missed my assigned time slot on 4 occasions because they didn’t want to drive to Pacific Palisades during rush hour (you cannot make this up).

Throw in the 2 dozen inspectors who repeatedly gave us a failing grade and we have quite the fun crowd, reminiscent of the Grammy parties I used to throw.

On the menu an exotic cocktail like Ram Board and Rum along with a finger food buffet of bullshit quiche, limp dick franks and unapologetic humble pie.

I am still humming Kumbaya because it is a New Year, but the winsome, optimistic tone in my voice is greatly diminished. It is more like an emphatic hum which will soon turn into a rebel yell.

Relax, indulge in a beverage and listen to the great Otis Redding while reading my mellow post…