Clocked miles this weekend, taking in my New York City surroundings. After a great deal of research I have come to the conclusion that tourists are a pain in the ass.

Yes, cities adore the revenue they bring in, but they don’t know how to maneuver the sidewalks in the Big Apple. NYC should publish a pedestrian handbook of proper protocol in the concrete jungle.

5th Avenue and Central Park are the worst. Those who are not tourists, walk on 5th Avenue with purpose. You are either traveling to or from work or on a retail therapy mission. We walk down the avenue on the right and up the avenue on the left. Walking five abreast is rude and a misdemeanor.

Congregating around entrances to Uniglo, Zara, Saks, Bergdorf Goodman, Tiffany are definite no no’s. Enter or exit. Do not hang outside speaking in a foreign tongue deciding where to go, should I enter, where to eat. Move your ass.

New Yorkers are mission accomplished oriented. We move with purpose and do not have time to kill. Get with the program.

What is the problem? Are tourists timid, ignorant, overwhelmed…entitled?!

Having just played the part of foreign tourist, I was well aware of keeping things going. I totally adopted a New York attitude when navigating Machu Picchu and other iconic Incan ruins. I could not believe the number of people who stopped for a photo with 20 people behind them on a steep ledge with no railings.

Yes, I was the American who shouted, “Are you serious?!” It worked…the entitlementors were motivated (probably scared to death) to move on up or down. I appreciate the power of the photo op, but there are many, many opportunities to take a safe and considerate photo.

Central Park is a big, wide open space, but the tourists still manage to walk 10 abreast, stop in the middle of the sidewalk for a photo, ride their bikes past large, dayglo yellow signs stately, No Bike Riding On Paths” accompanied by a drawing of a bike with a red line through it. Quechan (language spoken by the Incans) could be your only language and you could comprehend the photo.

Tourists are the only ones who smoke in Central Park and when you ask them to put the cigarette out they claim ignorance. My philosophy is that we should charge $1.00 to enter the Park and the revenue would keep it clean and thriving forever.

After 10am you rarely see a native New Yorker in the Park until high noon when the dog walkers sprout up and the nannies stroll and eat all the food intended for their wards. Other than that, evenings and early mornings before 9am belong to Manhattanites.

So tourist, if you happen to take a gander at my blog and I have been known to solicit for ifthedevilhadmenopause.com domestically and in such foreign countries as France, England, Peru, South Africa and Vietnam…please adhere to the unwritten laws of the concrete jungle and we will bow down to you.

Enjoy New York City…probably the greatest most exciting metropolis in the world.