No, that isn’t a sexual come on.

I have several grown up events to attend and I decided I needed a new pair of seamless Spanx to put everything in its’ pre-menopausal place.

BREAKING NEWS…this is way more legitimate news than CNN has been providing with their continuous and bogus, “Breaking News.” Anyone under 40, honor thy body which needs minimal support and adjustment. After 40, it all starts tumbling down.

Spanx become your lifeline and there is no one to call for assistance except a surgeon and we just don’t want to resort to that unless you are middle-aged and suddenly single or hawking bad behavior on the Housewives series.

I tried on the full body armour…the latest and greatest Spanx 2014 model. You basically have to lose weight just to wiggle into the contraption, but it does what it is supposed to. It should be a staple in everyone’s life. Spanx is a necessity…right up there with toilet paper, tampons and toothpaste.

Spanx cause me angst just because I have been weight obsessed since my mother started taking food out of my mouth at 5 and checking for candy wrappers in my bathrobe pockets…that much angst and I did not come up with the idea of an undergarment that can control a little extra rock n rolls and alleviate guilt.

Side bar. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I only gained 19 pounds. My gynecologist said I had to eat more. I have never been told that so I had him make that declaration on a tape recorder and my husband made a continuous loop which I sent to my mother…that tape is still music to my ears.

Back on track and my Spanx resentment. I repeat, I just cannot believe I didn’t come up with that concept. It is pure genius. Sara Blakely is the founder of Spanx, a multi-million dollar company. She is the world’s youngest self-made female billionaire.

She attended Florida State University. Blakely said she grew up wanting to be a lawyer, but scored poorly on the LSATs. She landed at Disney World, looking to be the character, Goofy.

Character assassination and her next stop was Danka, an office supply company, where she sold fax machines door to door. She was quite successful in sales and was promoted to national sales trainer.

Having been forced to wear pantyhose in the hot Florida climate, Blakeley disliked the appearance of the seamed foot while wearing open-toed shoes, but liked the fact that the control-top eliminated panty lines and made the body appear firmer.

She experimented by cutting off the feet of her pantyhose while wearing them under pants. Unfortunately, the experiment was not successful as the pantyhose continuously rolled up her legs.

At age 27, Blakely moved to Atlanta, and while still working at Danka, spent the next two years and $5,000 she had set aside in her savings, researching hosiery patents and visiting craft stores to find the right material for her product. Eventually coming upon a solution, she wrote her own patent from a textbook and incorporated her company under the name Spanx.

Turned away by numerous mills who did not see the value of her idea, she eventually found a hosiery factory which was willing to make her product.

Blakely successfully pitched her idea to Neiman Marcus by personally taking the buyer to the bathroom to show her the benefits of Spanx. Bloomingdales, Bergdorf Goodman and Saks Fifth Avenue soon followed suit.

Blakely handled all aspects of the business. In November 2000, Oprah named Spanx her favorite product of the year and sales took off.

Spanx had $4 million in sales in its first year. In 2001, she signed a contract with QVC where she sold 8,000 pairs in the first six minutes. QVC still devotes hours of programming to selling Spanx domestically and abroad and wait for it…exciting news…now there is Spanx for men.

Next time I have a solid, guilt driven idea, I am going to research it to death. In the meantime, I look marvelous and streamlined in my new $90 Spanx.

Spanx me…nothing will bounce and I am roll proof…I may have been bad, but I feel confident, firm and controlled.