I am a self-professed foodie.

No surprise there.

I was thinking ahead to my husband’s birthday.

There has been a lot of hoopla surrounding a restaurant owned and operated by a TV chef/personality.

Let’s call the place Fraud.

The rap is you can call the first of each month at precisely 10am PT to book the following month.

Each month features a specific ingredient.

This month you can indulge in rutabaga and cherries.

I foolishly missed the first day of the month and left a sobering, pleading message.

The voice message I received is that, unfortunately, you can never, ever reserve for three people.

So never think about Fraud’s if you are hungry after a threesome.

If you have an offspring, make plans to hire a babysitter.

One benefit is you can leave your mother-in-law at home.

You could plan ahead and procreate just to secure a reservation for four at this hoity toity establishment.

I do believe that if you have a Bieber or Kardashian size posse you will also be denied.

Four is the max.

The chef does release a few tables when his wife ovulates so check on her cycle, but never call before 10am.

A two top is release the day before your desired reservation, but only if Donald Trump has made a derogatory comment about immigrants so check frequently with the NY Times.

Sorry honey…no $150 per person worth of rutabaga and cherries for this year’s birthday.

But for a total of $450 (3×150) you can pop my cherry anytime.