Senior Moments

westgate.iberia.k12.la.usSenior moments are not always about being forgetful. Senior moments are the special times I have with my mom and the hilarious things that she gets up to every day.

She just leased a new Lexus. She turned in her prior 3 year-old lease and promptly received a $450 bill in the mail. She discovered, by calling her peeps at the dealership that they had been remiss in returning the car key to Lexus and the issue was resolved…except she received a follow up bill for miscellaneous charges totaling $75.

This really pissed her off so she called the CEO of Lexus and told his assistant that she had at the very least experienced $75 worth of aggravation and emotional suffering from the Lexus communiqués and they better retract the charges or she was going to go all grey panther postal on them and return her new car.

After all, 3 years ago, they hit her up for $3000 on the last Lexus and she negotiated them down. The matter was immediately resolved.

Days later, my mom received a monthly increase from her home security company. She picked up the phone and called the office of the President of one of the major alarm companies and told them that in 16 years they have never had to make a house call, she is a senior and they need to stop the increases or she was going to their competitor. The $10 per month increase was negated.

Alrighty then, my mom is on a roll and the bill for the Palm Beach Post arrives…subscription rates have been increased. My mom thinks the paper is the Un-New York Times, but it provides local TV listings and movie schedules so she tolerates their inferior quality.

She is furious that she will have to pay more money for mediocrity. She contacts the head of sales and tells the man the paper is lousy, a means to an end and they shouldn’t be offending subscribers. He also succumbs and she is now receiving home delivery for pennies per day.

Last night, my mom and a gaggle of seniors went to a piano bar with alcohol in their Kate Spade bags (it was BYOB) and listened to a younger man (85) play classic tunes for several hours. They grabbed a few noshes, knocked down some domestic chardonnay and had a senior rave.  Do not fear, the roads are safe to traverse because they had appointed a  much younger designated driver…she is 75.

My mom is still recovering from losing $50 on the Super Bowl. She picked the Denver Broncos to win. When the game was over and she was driving home from her beloved hairdresser’s Super Bowl blowout party (every Thursday she clocks the miles and gets her hair done), she called me from the car to let me know that the Manning Brothers sucked under pressure and now she was going to have to scrimp and dine at the Outback with the girls  for a few weeks to balance out her huge loss. The exact quote was, “Eli and Peyton are both shit heels.”

A friend fixed her up not too long ago on a date. My mom really did not want to go because she said she had enough sex with my father to last a lifetime and that is all men think about other than food at her age, but she went. She called me after the date to tell me that he couldn’t even make it up the stairs to walk her home…so why did she need more responsibility…she has enough trouble getting up the stairs on her own.

My mom is 93 years-old, knows more about politics, culture and what’s happening  than anyone my age and has a zest for life that is enviable. She is a big advocate of the fact that the golden years suck. According to her, the only benefit is senior movie prices and having priority seating on Jet Blue. She hates Early Bird specials, but goes along with the crowd.

She enjoys being busy and hangin’ with the girls. She desperately misses her canasta posse who have a 65 year standing lunch and card game every Monday when she is back in Connecticut.

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 I am in the process of wrapping up today’s post and ring-a-ding-ding, it’s my mom. She is calling from the car, using her blue tooth which she finds to be a major personal technological achievement. The urgency surrounds an advanced senior who is taking forever to pull out of a spot at Boys Market which is south Florida’s answer to Whole Foods.

She said that it is frustrating to have to deal with all the old people in Florida and she was looking forward to getting back to Connecticut where people weren’t quite as aged. You go, Eunice…keep on keepin’ on.

I hope my daughter will someday enjoy our shared senior moments. Presently, she is assisting me with word and name memory retrieval…let’s hope the senior moments turn into the ones I presently share with my mom.

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