Are you as bored as I am?

Happy Anniversary. Two months today we moved to the Pacific Palisades money pit and almost nothing is renovated.

We ripped out travertine tiles and replaced them with beautiful gray distressed barn siding flooring and all I see is a beige sea of Ram Board. Until recently, I thought Ram Board was an option on a Chrysler Ram truck. My reality is Ram Board is the semi-permanent flooring in our excruciatingly frustrating home.

Drywall dust…it invades every object and orifice. Even the dog has allergies. I caught Madison sniffing out the Claritin the other day.

The bedroom fireplace was refinished in stainless and is chipped and uneven. My attention deficit contractor is trying to convince me it lends an antique look…bite me.

I have gorgeous Restoration Hardware furniture covered in plastic…it looks like Marie Barone’s living room from, Everybody Loves Raymond.

Our TV media zone is anything, but entertaining. I love watching football, hanging in a rigid lawn chair. A blue line of demarcation indicates that I should not cross the line…does that reference my football watching behavior?

Needing a place to rest my weary, dusty bones, I have been known to climb into my freestanding tub and just take in the beauty and aura of my gorgeous new home.

The lovely tub is also a place to recline as it is the only piece of furniture in the living room. The lawn chair does not count as the location fluctuates, filling many needs both inside and outside the home.

 I have a Porta potty (Andy Gump is now a family member) on the terrace off the bedroom so I have been living the camping life for the past 12 days. Previously, my idea of camping was the Sheraton as opposed to the Four Seasons.

My kitchen is half finished. Hallelujah we have water and gas.

Back to New York City soon to use a permanently anchored toilet and perhaps re-visit the art of cooking, although takeout is much better in Manhattan. No one delivers in the Palisades other than Domino’s. I assume the local salaried domestic engineers are sent to do pick up in the servants Volvo station wagons.

My wealth management advisor is building a huge home in Connecticut. I do not know how he is doing it. By the way, Jim Iannazzo, Senior VP, Merrill Lynch and the exceptional Ms. Everything, Sarah Kennedy are amazingly astute financial advisors. Check them out as there is a slot opening up for new clients since we no longer have any wealth to manage.

In closing, I will actually be amazed if I am not divorced as well as incarcerated with Real Housewife of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice for placing my contractor in a vegetative state after attacking him with a full roll of Ram Board.