Are YOU ready for some football?!

A full schedule of NFL football kicks off this weekend. Sunday’s now officially belong to the football pagans…forget about church.

For those who are interested in being entertained, sharing quality time with husbands, significant others and children, here is a description of what you are about to see invade your home on Saturdays for college football, Sunday’s for the NFL, Monday Night Football and Thursday night games on the NFL Network. We won’t even deal with college Bowl or NFL playoff games, culminating in the Super Bowl at MetLife or as I like to call it, Giants Stadium, in 2014. (Please note, all visuals are defined by The NY Football Giants).

Listen and learn…it’s painless…

The game of football is played on a field that has goalposts at either end. The field totals 120 yards long, including the end zones and it is by 53.3 yards wide. It is a good power walk if you aren’t participating in the game.

Every game begins with one team lined up on the defense’s 30 yard line. This is the kicking team. The kicker kicks the ball off of a tee as far as possible, hopefully for a touchback (ball is kicked into the end zone) which means the ball is placed at the offensive team’s own 20 yard line. It is kicked to the team which will start on offense.

If it is a touchback, it is now 1st and 10 from the offense’s own 20. Frequently,  the kickoff returner will run the ball out of the end zone or from wherever he receives the ball and try to run it up the field, ideally beyond the 20 yard line.

The offense is comprised of the quarterback and 10 other players. The quarterback barks out the signals (play). He stands over the butt of the center (interesting visual) who hikes the ball to the QB only when the quarterback signals him to snap or hike the football. The center lines up in the middle of the offensive (O) line, in between the guards.

The QB receives the ball from the center at the start of each play before either handing it off to the running back, throwing it to a receiver, usually the wide receiver or tight end or dumping it off to the running back who runs out of the backfield to catch the ball, called a screen pass.

The QB informs the offensive players of the upcoming play in the huddle. The huddle is where the offensive team gathers before each play. I am convinced that they discuss hot cars and women.

The plays have already been set. The team has 40-seconds from the end of a play and snapping the ball to start the next one. If they don’t, a flag is thrown and the offense is charged with a delay of game penalty (5 yards). I am going to flag my husband next time he takes forever to answer a question.

The QB is the team pin up…think Tom Brady. They get all the accolades as well as the boos and make more money than Hedge Fund dudes.

The offensive line protects the QB and creates holes for the running backs to run through. The O line is comprised of 2 offensive tackles who line up on the outside of the offensive guards. There are 2 guards on every play and they line up on either side of the center. The offensive lineman sport huge, usually untoned, bodies. They eat everything in sight and are do not maintain nifty physiques after they retire.

Behind the quarterback (QB) is the fullback who is primarily serves as a blocker. Fullbacks are usually bigger than the halfbacks (running backs) and also serve as short yardage runners. If you are married or date a fullback like Henry Hynoski, he makes you feel petite which works for most women (you know about female body image).

A wide receiver usually makes the big plays and the big bucks. He lines up on or near the line of scrimmage (where the play starts). He is split to the outside usually a tad away from the other players on the line. His primary job is to catch passes from the QB, have their own segments on local radio and record TV commercials.

The tight end usually has one (yummy) and serves as a receiver and also a blocker. They are usually stockier than wide receivers. The tight end lines up right next to the offensive tackle either to the right or left of the QB.

Now it is time for action. The offense tries to make a first down which is when you move the ball 10 yards down the field. The goal, obviously, is to score a touchdown (TD) which is achieved by getting into your opponents end zone and scoring 6 points (like sex…that’s why guys call getting laid, scoring).

You can kick the ball from the 2-yard line through the goalpost uprights for 1 point, called a point after touchdown (PAT) or run it in for a two-point conversion. Most teams kick for the point after touchdown (PAT).

The team can also score by kicking a field goal worth 3 points, usually on 4th down and within field goal range. The longest field goal (FG) is 63-yards. Points can also be made when the defense traps the QB in his own end zone for a safety worth 2 points.

On to the defense (D). The role of the defense is to prevent the offense from scoring by tackling the ball carrier or by forcing turnovers (interceptions or fumbles).

The defensive line consists of defensive ends (DE) and defensive tackles (DT). Defensive ends line up on the end of the line while the tackles line up on the inside. They are meant to stop running plays, pressure the QB on passing plays and block the line so that linebackers can break through the line and sack the QB. They are tough guys and built like a brick shithouse.

Linebackers line up behind the D line, but in front of the defensive backfield (secondary). Linebackers are divided into 2 types: middle linebackers (MLB) and outside linebackers (OLB). Linebackers are the defensive QB’s and call the plays. They defend the run, pressure the QB, have chiseled bodies and the best make buckets full of money.

Defensive backfield, also called the secondary consists of cornerbacks (CB) and safeties (S). Safeties are divided into free safeties (FS) and strong safeties (SS). Cornerbacks line up outside the defensive formation and cover wide receivers, while safeties line up between the corners, but farther back. The defensive backfield is responsible for stopping deep passes and runs. They are built more like models, thinner and quite agile.

Special teams are not gifted players. They defend on punts and kick offs.

A football game is 60 minutes although it usually takes 3 hours to play. It is divided into four, 15-minute quarters. 2-minutes before the end of the 2nd and 4th quarters, there is a 2-minute warning time out. This is a crucial time if the score is close. There is a 12-minute halftime…plenty of time to eat and go to the bathroom.

The game is regulated by the referee who is in charge. The umpire stands in the backfield, and the officiating team, also known as, zebras (called that because they wear black and white stripped shirts) consists of a head linesman, line judge, back judge, side judge.

Penalties are often called for being off side, illegal hits, holding and a multitude of other penalties ranging from 5 yards to 15 yards…they are penalized for being aggressive, naughty boys. Perhaps, now that you are football literate, you can throw a flag and penalize those in your life who are overly aggressive, off sides or verbally abusive…it is mandatory for them to do the dishes, scrub the toilet, walk the dogs, make lunches for the kids…food for thought!

There are 32 NFL teams divided into the American Football Conference and the National Football Conference. Each conference is then divided into North, South East, West, with 4 teams in each division.

NFL football is the most popular spectator sport in America.

No more info…you will be rendered unconscious and placed on IR (injured reserve).

You should now be able to tackle the game of football, be articulate and participate wholly. It really is a fun, exciting sport, especially if you actually go to see it live and in person. It is also an opportunity to purchase new clothes, drink, tailgate (eating behind your car in a stadium parking lot…men do the cooking).…try it, you may like it and will then weekly, willingly, drink the NFL Kool-Aid.

Personal parting shout out, “GO GIANTS!!”