Non-Blonde and Birkinless…

Hermes Birkin Bag
Hermes Birkin Bag

My life is finally spinning out of control again, but in a productive way.

I random sampled a gym in my new ‘hood.

Alessandra Ambrosio with Her Celine Bag In Santa Monica
Alessandra Ambrosio with Her Celine Bag In Santa Monica

I was the only person in the class who wasn’t sporting a Hermes Birkin gym bag. That just beat out Alessandra Ambrosio’s Celine luggage bag which held her spin shoes at Equinox Santa Monica. What have I gotten myself in to?

I already avoid Gelson’s in the Palisades because if I close my eyes I am at the Whole Foods in Greenwich, Connecticut or Molly Stone’s in Marin County, California…I need to shop online and avoid the element.

First of all, I am the only non-blonde, non-matching Lululemon outfit wearing, Hermesless patron. I am not stepping up my game to pick up yogurt and milk.

Same day, I call Spectrum another gym in Pacific Palisades to sample an indoor cycling class. Talk about the other end of the Spectrum. What a shaggy ass, ugly club.

I arrived early because the sales rep told me that the 5:30 cycling class was amazing and the instructor and his music top notch.

I tore myself away from watching Jose making backsplash magic (finally…the kitchen is heading toward completion) and rushed to get there by 4:45.

Equinox allows members to sign up 26 hours in advance and the spin classes are full within 90 seconds and that was at 6am when the class opened online.

No need to even sign up at Spectrum. The class was half filled with out of shape cougars who must all have gone to the same tag sale when Jan Fonda sold all her aerobic workout clothes from the 1980’s.


Many left early as they thought the class was too strenuous. The bikes were 20 years old and creaked and my butt was sore from the hard, unpadded seat. The only plus was the ocean view, but that still didn’t make up for the class, ambiance and music.

Antiquated Spin Bikes
Antiquated Indoor Cycling Bikes

Some of the spinning cougars only exercised their mouths trying to pick up the 4 overweight, balding, unfit 60 plus men in the class.

I ran home and hugged my husband and told him if he ever left me I would stalk him and it wouldn’t be pretty.


I am assuming that these cougars were in my age range. Do I look that awful and aged? Has Dorian Gray confiscated my mirrors and true reality is not being reflected?

It was the worst cycling class I have ever taken. The fastest song played was The Doors, Riders On The Storm. Kill me now.

Onward. I could just hit Soul Cycle in Santa Monica 5 days a week, but that adds up to $175 per week…forgetaboutit.

I could stay home and watch renovation move at a snail’s pace and spin out of control without a monthly fee.

Relax and take a slow, methodical depressing spin to The Doors, Riders On The Storm…


  1. The Doors are reeeeaallly sloooooow. Just pretend you feel that you don’t need to show who you are -as a slave to Hermes, or to what is here—The Hoi Poloi- so common- and GO! Lol though, through and through.

  2. You need a Peloton bike! Pick the instructors, music, class, etc. that you like and take them as often as you would like in the privacy of your new lovely home. You can spin in your underwear if you’d like! No more crazy prices, overbooked classes, lululemon and Celine bags – it’s brilliant!

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