Why is there always so much traffic when you are running late? 

Allow me to set the stage…it all started when I dropped one of Berkeley’s diuretics on the floor during the doggies 6am feeding frenzy. I bent down to retrieve the little yellow pill and Madison, thinking it was a treat, beat me to it.

You can imagine the fun that ensued all day long. Let’s just say I need to make a quick run to Costco for a jumbo pack of Bounty paper towels…we experienced more accidents than a rainy day on the 405 Freeway.

Then my husband scheduled an MRI he forgot to tell me about.  It turns out I was the designated driver as he needed pharmaceutical aid to manage 30 minutes in the tunnel of love.

We were tardy leaving due to hazardous waste issues and I thought that there wouldn’t be a problem since it is is only 2:30, but then I thought it is LA. The only logical route is Lincoln Blvd. By the time you start wiggle wagging your way through the back roads of Santa Monica and Venice and then head back up to Lincoln, it is the same time frame.

As in New York and most large traffic laden cities, it is imperative to initiate creative driving. Lincoln could be rated the ugliest, slowest road in America. Everyone divines their own speed limits. Like white guys dancing, you just cannot find your rhythm.

Yesterday afternoon, Lincoln was analogous to a scene out of the 1981 film, Escape from New York. Was there a terrorist threat in the beach communities and everyone was simultaneously exiting via Lincoln Blvd?!

David had the nurse on the line who was imitating an outsourced Indian woman from United Airlines, “Sir, MRI’s are done promptly every 30 minutes. You must be on time!” That went on a 5 minute loop. By the time she ran out of battery, we arrived. Such nerve. When is a doctor’s appointment ever on time?

I have to admit to committing traffic atrocities by creating my own personal designated lanes. When I represented Indy race car driver, Arie Luyendyk, who is a two-time Indy 500 champion, I asked him for driving tips…I would have made Arie proud.

Due to my driving prowess, we were on time for the MRI. Afterwards, we headed home during rush hour and I swear, it only took 12 minutes from Marina Del Rey to Santa Monica.

Naturally, we did not have any time constraints. I ditched Lincoln and wrote my own version of “The Californians” from Saturday Night Live. I took Glencoe, made a left onto Washington, crossed Lincoln and turned right onto Abbott Kinney Blvd. through Venice, made a sharp right on Westminister Road, zagged onto 4th Street, crossed Rose up the steep hill continuing on 4th through 5 stop signs, made a right on Broadway and home again.

I feel as if I fell through the rabbit hole today. “I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass