Holey Mackerel…


It just never f–king ends.

I finally get the insane woman who lived above me in NYC to vacate the premises and the new owner moves in, commences renovations and voila, I have a skylight.

If I lived on the top floor I would be able to see the sun rise and set through the damn hole in the ceiling.

How much more can I endure?! I know ISIS has not attacked NYC, but we have been under siege for 8 years…$150,000 worth of damage and now this. I cannot wait until they jackhammer the bathroom that leaked 4 times over our bedroom.


I need to buy a rowboat for that phase.

I’m selling tickets to to view chandeliers imploding, satin duvets swimming gracefully through the bedroom into the open air living room, wood floors buckling, electrical fires and floating furniture.

I will serve freshly popped popcorn and have shaken not stirred martinis at the ready, all included in the entry fee.

Sorry, no free ride. I have to raise cash for the renovations since my insurance company will definitely cancel me after the 9th go round.

To top it all off, the inept management company emails to alert us to the damage on Friday when the    destruction occurred on Tuesday and the office is closed for the weekend in NYC. Truly efficient and professional.

Switching coasts, have I mentioned that the Elephant Woman lives over me in Los Angeles and has sex in the middle of the night, turns her living room into a bowling alley during the day and enjoys watering her plants above my patio at 5am?

She is a face lifted, 100 pound middle-aged divorcee, but she must have a wooden leg or sleep in her come f–k me shoes because she makes more noise than a herd of marauding elephants.

With the Stock Market dropping almost 1100 points this morning maybe it is time to punt on both residences.

I am considering joining the plethora of homeless people who are now living and whooping it up on the Santa Monica and Pacific Palisades beaches…no mortgage, adequate distance between neighbors and living on the beach you are always forewarned about rising tides and no heavy equipment allowed.

No one above you unless you invite someone on top. Weed is the drug of choice rather than Oxycotin.

And I wonder why I have no patience and want to live alone far away from the madding crowd.


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