Flippin’ Off Felix…

I walked into Felix Trattoria with a positive attitude.

It is the shiny, new regional Italian restaurant that took over the venerable Joe’s on Abbot Kinney Boulevard.

Felix is the latest venture from the former Bucato chef, Evan Funke.

I despised Bucato.

Bucato shuttered two years ago and lasted too long in my humble opinion.

If you were audacious enough to capture your meal in a photo, the servers attempted to strangle you with your fettucine.

Getting back to Felix…a vertically challenged, insubordinate hostess slunk her way to seat us at the worst table in the restaurant.

Here we go.

In the darkened back room, we faced the bathroom, next to the computer, by the table the servers use to store the pepper mills, bowls and riff raff.

Felix Bar

We were told by the troll that we could sit here like a good doggie or wait a minimum of 45 minutes at the already fully occupied bar.

Let’s see. Would I rather have a bowel obstruction or projectile vomiting?!

We corralled the manager who was professional and accommodating. Within moments we were transported to a suitable table in the front room.

Our server was very nice and on top of things…she definitely was not the problem.

We had a full view of the stand alone temperature-controlled pasta laboratory.

The back story is that Toronto-based restaurant group Gusto 54 teamed up with Funke along with a cocktail program headed by Brandyn Tepper of Hinoki and the Bird.

Our surroundings, designed by Wendy Haworth, the visionary behind Gracias Madre, were aesthetically pleasing, but the patrons were much less appealing.

The middle-aged couple to our left who were dining with millenials were extremely upset that their “fucking martinis” still had not arrived.

Obviously, they need their cocktails to keep them calm.

The banquet table in front of us was inhabited by 6 adults and four children.

The entitled parents were busy talking and drinking, not paying any attention to the devil’s spawn who were playing Hairdo Dolly at the table.

I always love to see people combing, brushing, braiding their hair during dinner, especially in a restaurant.

The table to our right was also a large party with an infant who screamed the entire time.

Joy to the world.

We ordered wine.

I opted for a glass so that we did not need to linger.

Cicoria

The salad arrived which was the highlight of the meal. Cicoria was comprised of honey dates, bagna cauda, capers pine nuts and pecorino ($16).

Spiedino Di Calamari

This was accompanied by Spiedino Di Calamari. I had asked if it could be prepared well done. I love when grilled calamari is thoroughly charred on the edges ($16).

No, that was not how the chef prepared it.

Pizza Margherita

We ordered Pizza Margherita which was pretty good. The crust was crispy, but the middle too wet for my taste ($20).

The pasta serving couldn’t even fit a Littlest Angel training bra cup (this photo is an amplified close up).

We selected the Mezzemaniche Alla Tricia with mullet roe ($22). The bitterness was off-putting.

Felix means happy or lucky…neither of which I felt after dining there.

If you do dine at Felix, bring reading glasses or a magnifying glass as the menu print is minuscule…also, you may want to toss a lint brush in your bag to entrap all the flying hair strands that may land on your clothing, food and surrounding area.

Felix Trattoria 1023 Abbot Kinney Boulevard Venice California. Open Monday-Friday 5:30-11pm, Saturday and Sunday 5:30-midnight. Reservations on RESY. Valet and street parking.

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