Fasten Your Seatbelt…

Hi…my name is Toby and I am a fretful flyer.

I have flown constantly since I was 18 years old.

One wild and crazy weekend I flew to Mexico City with a friend. On the return trip the plane took off and when we reach about 15,000 feet the plane fell 1000 feet.

Everyone was crying, reciting the lord’s pray and crossing themselves.

I do not communicate with the powers that be in that manner so I said my goodbyes, prayed for a great NY Giants season and praised myself for having nice undergarments on.

Obviously, we landed safely, but that incident has never left my consciousness.

My family has talked me down from frequently encountered turbulence and I am now proud to say that I am a silent sufferer who has a lengthy internal dialogue with self every fricking time I board a plane.

Flying is such a pain these days.

First off, flying has become very expensive. It is imperative to upgrade because my neurosis demands front of the aircraft seating.

Then you have to get to the airport and half of them are under construction.

When your only option is flying out of LaGuardia you end up abandoning your Carmel ride and running to the terminal because there is only one lane open and traffic is completely stalled.

Next, security can take forever especially with all the idiots who bring over 3.4 ounces of liquid, carry water bottles, place each item slowly into the plastic bins, etc.

I have TSA pre-check, but at JFK the lines are still long.

Usually, my carry on is the one selected for hands on rummaging.

Boarding is always a cluster fuck.

I always buy an aisle seat which is good during flight, but I often get knocked around by large handbags, carry on, flailing elbows or unschooled passengers who can’t count and bump into my seat because they are so focused on the raised row numbers.

I was always under the assumption that most people know how to count. i.e. row 1 is first then followed by row 2, 3, 4….

You can’t fix stupid.

Now I know why Trump is president and Rush Limbaugh is still on the radio.

I always keep my seatbelt tightly fasted and check weather conditions on the information app.

Today’s ramble is courtesy of the news report that a United Airlines flight encountered horrendous turbulence yesterday on a flight from Panama City to Houston.

I am in the process of booking passage to Los Angeles and am already girding my loins for a possibly tumultuous journey.

Yes, I have taken the fear of flying classes and always don my lucky thong, clasp my hands and hold my breath until we are airborne for 2 minutes because a fly attendant once told me that the first 2 minutes of take off are the most tenuous even though it is totally safe.

Many people have advised me to check out the flight attendants. If they look calm all is well.

I always worry that they think I am a stalker or just plain weird because in times of turbulence I follow their every movement.

I also never sleep on a plane so that my powerful vibes can keep the plane airborne.

If anyone has any concrete suggestions, please pass them along.

I love to travel, but this fear is a real killjoy.


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