I must confess to loving, “Fashion Police” on E!. It is one of my deep, dark secrets. A guilty pleasure. Roll up the blinds, I am exposing myself as a Joan Ranger (salute). I have seen her live comedy act and it is filthier than an athletes’ locker room…I just crack up over her one liners.  Joan says what we are all thinking…she gets paid the big bucks to be honest. I would love to be that politically incorrect all the f…ing time!

It is astonishing how badly many celebrities dress, even with their enabling stylists. From personal experience, I am astounded by the unbelievably horrid outfits stars wear when they dress themselves. A team would design and dress many of the rock stars…they may sing and move well on stage, but very few have any sense of style.

Recently, we were at Blue Plate Oysterette in Santa Monica and I glanced at the ocean and noticed Kate Walsh sitting next to us. The outside tables are super close to each other. Her ensemble did not match in any manner…. and didn’t even clash enough to be interesting. One notable exception is Cate Blanchett. She takes risks, is incredibly edgy and has class and style oozing from her pores. Check out her outfits in, “Blue Jasmine,” the new Woody Allen movie…you will just die. All you need in your wardrobe is a Chanel type jacket (so few can afford the real thing so shop Zara…they make amazing look-a-likes), a pair of well-fitted jeans some fab accessories, a great pair of shoes and bag. Beyond the clothes, her performance is Oscar worthy and has been universally acclaimed…go see the movie!

Back to Joan….the world knows that Joan Rivers has been pulled, tucked, filled…everything that a plastic surgeon can do to one’s face. I know it is extreme, but she does wear it well on camera and for 80 plus years-old, she looks perky and dresses well to fit her body and age. I actually spoke to her on Madison Avenue recently and I thought she looked maaaavelous.

Once we hit 40, women really start thinking about sagging faces, small lines around the eyes, wrinkles on the checks, forehead, etc. Menopausers especially and even those who still have hormones coursing through their bodies and are sweat free, spend a fortune on cleansers, toner, serum, moisturizer, sunscreen, night cream, Botox, microdermabrasion, Fraxel (fractional laser treatment), facelifts and a new method I just came face to face with at The Skin Laundry.

The first salon ever is located on trendy Montana Avenue in Santa Monica. It is based on an innovative laser technology which claims to achieve maximum results by stimulating collagen and tightening the skin with no down time. The treatment takes about 5 minutes and the first session is free. The staff, especially Kelly, is a delight and they have trained RN’s conducting the procedure.

Seriously, are a few wrinkles that unappealing? I guess if you are over 40 and single you do feel compelled to compete against the 20 something’s as it appears that many men over 35 like them young. I just saw a commercial for Sandra Lee’s Food Network show, “Semi-Homemade Cooking” and I cannot believe how her face has changed. I wonder what it could be? I am assuming she felt the need to freshen up since she is living with the governor of NY and Cuomo is possibly considering a run at the presidency within the next decade. The song, “Do the Tighten Up” by Archie Bell & the Drells, is always on a continuous loop in my mind when I take a gander at Meg Ryan, Donatella Versace, Jennifer Grey, Priscilla Presley, Madonna, Jocelyn Wildenstein, Kenny Rogers, Michael and LaToya Jackson (she was a client) Tori Spelling, Mickey Rourke and even Carrot Top, to name just a few! These people make me scared shitless to go under the knife.

As we all know now, the sun is a real face killer. Unfortunately, I still contend that everyone looks better, thinner and healthier with a tan, but it is imperative to keep out of extended direct sun exposure. I am amazed by how many people still lather up with sun tan lotion and sunbathe. Now we learn that skin cancer is the most common type of cancer in America with more than 3.5 million cases diagnosed every year. Apparently the increase is most prevalent among women under 40, specifically related to tanning beds. I wonder if “Tan Mom” is one of those stats?!

We all should be wearing sunscreen all the time, but which ones are the best? It is important to know because being pro-active can come with consequences as some of the sunscreens have been found to be toxic. Check the tubes to make sure that the sunscreen you select does not contain Octinoxate, Octocrylene and Oxybenzone (associated with endometriosis) which appear to mess with our reproductive organs….why do women always have to bear the burden? I gave up sunbathing years ago and now I have to be vigilant about sunscreens damaging my female parts.

Yes, I know I am not able to give Courtny a sibling, but I already had to deal with endometriosis and according to a very interesting and informative article on a friend, Su Robotti’s website, www.medshadow.org, these are additives that must not be overlooked.

Su and several other highly accomplished women have started the MedShadow Foundation. Su’s interest was founded on the fact that she is a DES daughter (Diethylstilbestrol, administered in the 50’s and 60’s to aid in preventing miscarriages) and her son was diagnosed ADHD and it was suggested that he take Ritalin.  The goal with the website and foundation is to facilitate people’s searches on the internet for information on long-term effects of any medicine. Prescription drug side effects have become a huge problem. Check out the website.

I must admit that I do my due diligence, but combined with menopause, sunscreen and all the other smoothing, protecting and regenerating crap that I am forced to apply to my face, they make me perspire even more than I do normally. Maybe I just need to stay inside, out of harm’s way. I will look younger, no need to go under the knife and look at all the money I will save not shopping…I could just rent a dressing room at Barneys…note to self, check into that type of retail rental!

As Christina Aguilera sings, “I am beautiful, no matter what they say.” Strive to be accepting of who you are and how you look. I know, but you are all beautiful to me! Keep hittin’ me and come back for your daily dose of, “If the devil had menopause…”it will hopefully keep you youthful, confident, informed, and laughing.