Armed and Clumsy…

I have had surgery before, but never have I experienced walking into the operating room fully coherent.

Now I can relate to dead man walking.

I was dressed in lavender…I could have used the garment as a camping tent which could comfortably sleep 4 adults.

A pair of vomit beige socks with nubby tread adorned my feet.

During the 2 hour wait, no less then 10 people approached my heated throne and asked my semi-naked body to spell my name and provide my date of birth.

When #9, Vicki from Staten Island, queried, I spelled out my name, E-L-I M-A-N-N-I-N-G.

I went on the offense and did not score any points with Nurse Ratched.

I had a plethora of holes in the attractive garment so that I could plug the heated hose in to warm my body parts.

At one point, my husband signaled that my left boob was partially exposed.

Without drugs this was not a good look.

Finally, the wait was over and I was led into the operating room.

It was a meat locker.

I enjoy being in a cool environment, but this was polar.

The ceiling was low with two huge lights dominating the landscape.

Was I being operated on or interrogated?

I had to lay my body down and place my head in what looked like a rubber toilet seat…hot pink, no less.

I assumed the position of Jesus on the cross.

Six people tended to me…positioning, strapping, attaching the blood pressure cuff and then the happy lady (aka anesthesiologist) approached.

It all faded to black from there and I woke up 30 minutes later with a hot, yellow hued, numb, rubber arm assisted by dry mouth.

I was rewarded with a gourmet snack of a cranberry juice box and a graham cracker which probably cost me $100.

After the 18 hour fast it did taste good.

The 30 minutes in sub zero solitary cost $5431 just for the room…more than an overnight at a European castle.

But, not everyone has the privileged of being operated on by rock star hand surgeon, Dr. Daniel Polatsch.

His office is an ode to his patients and is more interesting than Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.

I left in a stupor, hopefully delumpified and armed with a humongous cast that attracted a great deal of unwanted attention.

7 more days of being vertically challenged and then, hopefully, I can resume regular programming.



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