After buying the New York Football Giants (should be a bargain after yesterday’s abysmal play in San Diego) and having an on-call masseuse, I am going to acquire or charter a jet.

I am hoping that by the end of this post, everyone who reads this will decide to join my Charter Club so we can establish a jet timeshare.

I got to thinking while eating a cold bagel and an actually good cup of Peet’s coffee at Terminal 4 at JFK airport in NYC what a colossal waste of time it is from leaving home or hotel and actually boarding the aircraft.

I will never dispute that flying is a miracle and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that the plane stays up in the air (I never sleep on a plane because my charisma and karma must be awake and functioning in order to keep it afloat).

Air travel is a very expensive and time consuming proposition. Firstly, there is the ticket price. Unless it is corporate travel or you work for or own a Hedge Fund, the average traveler spends big bucks and your personal time is wasted chasing the best fare by combing multiple websites and setting price alerts.

Transportation to and from the airport…If you don’t have a friend or relative to call upon to give you a lift  to the airport, then you are in for a minimum pay out of $60 one way.

The minute you enter the terminal, cha ching. You may indulge in Duty Free, magazines (2 now cost $10) and snacks are a must since airlines subscribe to the cleanse weight loss program…water and nothing else.  With at least an hour to spare before boarding you may have an unimpressive meal…another $10 minimum per person.

Let’s not forget security. Long lines, undressing in front of strangers, having a full body x-ray. I usually have to have my carry on tossed because I am a threat to national security with my MAC make up, NSA official headset and my reconfigured 007 lipstick case.

Boarding is an issue because there is the real palpable fear of no overhead space…so much to worry about that I actually have a checklist of menopausal sweat induced stages that I have to confront and cross off. Why do our children have to grow up…remember the good old days of pre-boarding with babies and toddlers?!

Then it is a long flight usually enhanced by my favorite thing in the whole world, turbulence. I had a neurotic friend who adored turbulence. It assured him that the plane was staying up in the air where it should be.

My father used to always tell my “fear of flying” mother to breath deeply and watch the flight attendants…if they looked cool and calm, all is A OK. The flight attendants were always happy to see my mom disembark because they thought she was a weirdo as she would stare at them the entire flight.

You sit among people who pass gas, expose stinky feet and go to the bathroom more than the drunkards at the NY Giants football games. Then you have to patiently wait while they disembark.

Seriously why does it take so damn long to stand up and get your overhead luggage down once the door is opened? Isn’t it instinctive to want to dodge?!

On rubber legs, you get to walk 2 miles to the nearest exit. I never check baggage because the carousel makes me nauseous, watching it go round and round since my suitcase is usually the last one on or it is lost in space.

Finally, off the plane after a long flight and you are rewarded by having to wait in a lengthy line for a taxi. If friends or relatives are at the arrival terminal, timing is critical so that they aren’t harassed by airport traffic police or don’t have to circle numerous times.

Unwanted circling or having to wait for your ride complicates your immediate meet and greet and causes tension and bickering which usually results in missing the airport exit sign and having to navigate around the airport one last time.

If these delightful options aren’t open to you then you have to dish out another $50 plus to get to your final destination.

So, what do you all think…ready to pitch in and make our flying experience more enjoyable? Suri Cruise doesn’t even have a job and she flies private…come on, we deserve it!

I have flown private and there is no need to arrive 90 minutes early, transportation to the plane is included, minimal security check, the food is stellar, the booze flows and the staff friendly and adorable…mile high club options also available. Customs comes to you and no wait to disembark. Say the word and I will set up our PayPal account…